Just a Note

Ive been collecting Entries throughout the month and just thought I should note that they will be posted soon. Although they may be posted at such a later date, they will be published in date order.

Happy Blogging!

20 minutes

Is all I need to cry like a mother that lost her child…like a baby who doesn’t understand why no one is coming to pick her up…like a dog who was beaten and left for dead… Like the bug you probably just squashed with your proud boot.
I can’t believe I forgot what depression felt like. Like really feel… 
I remember now.

Just a little note..

I found a few drafts that I never posted. Rereading them made me realize a few things. I avoided publishing them because I know that anyone can find them. Now that the situation has past… I think I’m ready to share them with you. They might be out of order but the date will be there. So… Here goes…

12/16/16

​I was fine all week until I thought about what people see when they look at me. 
I imagine they see great things. And this isn’t my conceded-ness talking… This is, in all honestly what people tell me they see. Although most don’t realize the things I’ve overcome. 
Truth be told I could’ve had it alot worse had I not handled the situations the way I did. 
I used to refrain from complaining about my past because I know people have gone through tremendously worse things… But in my head, I know, that what I faced, hurt me. I know, that what I faced, scared me. But I also know that what I faced, made me stronger. 
I’m glad that my experience throughout these hardships have helped me mature in a way that most of my peers haven’t been able to do. 
I guess that’s what makes me stand out.
But the watchers on the outside have no clue about what made me, well, me..

I’m back

…I hope.
We’ve officially crossed over to my year anniversary with WordPress. I’m sure it would be a little more satisfying if I actually kept my promise and gave you an update every once in a while. I’m sorry I haven’t. So much to catch up on and yet I’m not sure I really want to. 
I guess we’ll see what happens.

06/23/2013

I feel over whelmed.

I’m both excited and nervous about visiting Cali again. I was told that my step mother would not be there when i visit. I didn’t ask where she would be, i didnt care. I still dont. Even though i started this blog to write things that im not really ready or comfortable to talk about with other people.. my mother follows it. and i share it on my social media. I knew it was never going to e private. i think i would write more if i absolutly knew it was private from the people that actually know me.

04/22/15

I wish I could be there for you. I wish you didnt shut me out. I wish this didnt happen. I wish we still talked. I pray that youll be okay. I’m terribly sorry for your loss. I hope deep down you know that I’ll always be here for you. my mind is blank but i have so much to say.

12/31/14

Have this just play in the background 🙂

Its been a crazy year for me. I’ve gone through so much in my life I think this year has been the least eventful. And I’m grateful. I mean yes, many great things have happened this year but I feel like it was more good than it was bad.

This year I’ve joined clubs and made new friends. I experienced the troubles of being a teen but also the excitement. I’ve learned about what goes on in people’s minds; reasoning and justification. I’ve learned who my real friends are. I realized throughout my whole life, but now more than ever that everyone makes mistakes. The key is having a meaningful apology and then having the strength to forgive. I do believe in second chances, but it’s not worth it if that person repeats the mistake over and over again. I learned how important it is to express your feelings because even though we like to think that people already know… they don’t, but they sure would like to.

Confused 11/26/14

…about my life… and what I’m doing with it. It’s one of those days where i have a semi-pity-party for myself. I’m fine really… I just feel like typing.

I miss my dad. I hate that I miss him. I hate that I always think of him. I hate that a day never goes by without me thinking of him. I hate that I didn’t grow up with him. And sometimes, I hate that I chose to reach out to him. If I didn’t, I wouldn’t be feeling like this right now; I love hard, I’m a very passionate person. It’s hard for me to let go of something I’m greatly invested in. I honestly miss everything about my dad. His laugh, his smile, his hugs, his huge nose and ears. I miss the way he would punk on me. I miss when I would say a snarky remark and he would laugh with me as his wife goes on about how disrespectful I am. I miss going for drives with him alone, getting back to the apartment complex and staying in the parking lot for hours just talking….and crying… I miss his advice. I miss giving advise. I may not have grew up with him but man oh man did we fill up those 5 years in 5 months (hypothetical time frame).

My boyfriend is also confused… But I don’t think he wants to believe it. You can say that he is sometimes a “Debby-Downer” in the relationship. If its not imagining either of us leaving each other or cheating on each other then he’s saying little remarks like “I’m a horrible boyfriend” “You deserve better than me” “I’m so stupid”. And to be honest its annoying as fuck. It makes me sad that he is such a gentleman and he thinks I’m to good for him. I hate it when he beats himself up. I know I’m young which is why its so surprising to me how much I care about him. I don’t want him to feel horrible, or stupid, so I make the best effort to make him feel confident. He’s such a gentleman its not even funny. It’s like “Stop being cute already, I get it your perfect ._.”. He gets me things and he compliments me everyday and I greatly appreciate it but, I feel like he doesn’t love me as much as I love him. I feel like I truly genuinely love him (but because I’m young I know I could be completely wrong) but when he tells me that he imagines me leaving him for another boy, I remind him that I can’t see myself with anyone else, I remind him that he can always trust me. Then he’ll say “I love you too, but….

But.

Is that word now my worst enemy? I see him in a life of success and happiness. Maybe I’m not in it. I won’t know unless he admits it. HE thinks he loves me because he buys me things and tells me I’m pretty….. No. That doesn’t prove that you love someone. I hate that he thinks that’s what love is. I’m not gonna tell someone I love them unless I friggin mean it.

Love to me is:

  • feeling comfortable enough around someone to not judge your imperfections
  • trusting them with your deepest darkest secrets and automatically knowing they won’t  ever look at you differently
  • being able to sit there in silence and just appreciate each others company
  • remembering the great memories by heart, not by picture
  • sharing your feelings about anything that bothers you
  • being honest with each other (unless your throwing me a surprise party :P)

Another point that I can’t describe is that look in their eyes, the way they reach for your hand, and the way they hug you. (I’m purposely excluding “the way they kiss you” because some people have a natural ability to be a good kisser… but if i couldn’t possibly kiss the love of my life because of some reason and there was nothing we could do, it wouldn’t stop me from loving him.)

This is how I feel about him. I wish I knew how he really felt about me.

 Sometimes I think we need a break, so that he can figure things out, but the fact that I’m saying this makes me think that I’m the one who needs to figure things out… He admitted that he asked me out because friends pushed him to… He misses going to the gym and hanging out with his friends… If I’m on the phone with him I feel like I take him away from his brothers.

He wants to be in the Marine Core, or something in the Medical field. He has dreams that I feel I’m gonna keep him from. He could be finding out more information about future jobs, he could be studying, he could be picking out a college if he wanted. But instead, he’s hanging out with me… and in all reality I wouldn’t mind it if it was real quality company, but it always seems like his mind is somewhere else.

Point is, I don’t wanna lose him. I’ve talked to him about this, but he throws it to the side grabs my hands and kisses me…. he obviously wants me to let it go… I pull away and try to free my hands but he holds on and waits for me to look him in the eyes so that he could tell me he loves me and would never want to breakup. But I can’t look at him knowing…

that I should.

Self Therapy 08/27/14

I grew up with some pretty messed up situations. I’ve been put in a few uncomfortable positions. I’ve had feelings of guilt and stress… but somehow I’ve learned to get passed it.

I don’t usually get mad or sad when im around people. I put it away and lock it up until im alone. I always try to think of the bright side of things and never let myself look pissed in front of someone. But then i have those nights where it’s been in for a little to long and I have to just let it out. I’ll cry myself to sleep for a week straight. And if not to sleep, then i’ll cry when im in the shower. I’ll just sit there and feel miserable. Awkwardly enough it makes me feel better the next day. I dont know why i do this. But it helps.

But I’ll admit… I don’t like feeling like this. Even if it’s just for a week.